idiotic fallacies

"My heart is a brothel, it has many rooms." - said by a philandering character in Gabriel Garcia Marquez's books... when one simply likes too much things, this is the result..me.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Never to comprimise again!

Its been a long time.

During this time, I have a boyfriend, got myself a new job, enrol myself into night school.

Had fights with friends, had fights with boyfriend, had quarrels with the family.

Of coz there is the good times. The laughter, the smiles.New friends, old friends, closer friendship, drifting ones,

Many things that are left unsaid, but I prefer it that way.

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From what I see around me, a lot of things have changed, Just by reading through my own blog from the first entry till the last, a lot of things are different now. Perceptives, opinions, ideas. I look through my old photos and missed being so youthful. Not that I'm v.old now, but I can never be a teenager again. The moment has gone.

I am now a bit older, a bit wiser, though still extremely silly and not the cleverest person in the world.the list goes on, but to sum up. I am trying to be a more responsible person, to really think hard what to do with my life than keep on building castles in the sky.

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Someone berated me once of my change. I did not know how to retalitate back then beccause I was not sure of myself. In my mind I was thinking, " Am I such a boring person now? Did I let myself down?" " Have I become such a bad person?"

Right now, I am sure of my answer.

I have to say now, that I have finally beginning to come in terms with being responsible for my life.

In the past, all I cared about is fun. Nothing matters more than that. I neglected my duties and never felt it was difficult to be an adult.

Being an adult is not not just about being over 21 and able to watch RA movies legally. Its means that one have to be fully responsible for their actions. To learn how to pay their taxes. To save. To learn to budget. Pay bills. Utilities bills. Plan how on earth to afford to buy a small concrete space to call your home in the future. A family of your own in the future. Kids. Independence. Learning to be independent.Trying to be self sufficient, quakering and quivering inside and fighting down the urge to run into my mother's arms and be a kid again.Its a whole new experience.

I'm 23 now and I just realise I don't know how the hell to do all that.

All the things I thought was so easy in the past seems so difficult now. To think that I thought I was smart enough!

Sigh....

Its time to prioritize my life. Fun? nah... I hate being responsible still but I guess I will have to do that for the time being until I can get by enough again to sit on my big fat ass and laze about again.

Right now, I have my life to run. Time to weed this disorganised garden.

Selfish? Self absorbed? Yes.

Am I ashamed of that? No.

If I screw up my life, I can't blame anyone but myself. And that is the ultimate fear for me.

So yes. MY problems are the biggest problems in the world because they are mine.

NO one have the right to comment and make me feel bad for days just because i have done something or have changed not to their liking.

I will never apologize for it ever again.

I wlll never allow anyone to comment how to run my life and get away making me feel uncertain about myself ever again.



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8 Comments:

Blogger I AM ... NA said...

Change, I guess, is the only constant in the world. I have closed down many blogs, and opened many others. There were instances when I literally laughed, even mocked, at the entries I wrote a year ago. But it's all part of change. 10 years later we may well be laughing at what we are writing now. No matter. As long as we grow ... and change for the better ...

10:05 PM  
Blogger ReelUv said...

yes. nv apologise for something u dun believe it. cos u will feel upset utimately . Its nice to see you being decisive for once, yesh u seemed much more responsible..than me . haha

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